Frustrated

I have been trying to sign on to my Blogger page to write a quick note about how frustrated I am and what happened? It wouldn't let me sign on and I became even more frustrated. That is the key word for the day. Frustrated.

I spend each day feeling like I am 10 minutes behind. I am behind on the household chores, I am behind on laundry, I am behind on a friend or family member's birthday, I am behind in my garden, I am behind in my schoolwork. I am always behind. Life wasn't this stressful a year ago. One year ago Charlie had just been born, I wasn't in school, I didn't have a job, Max was acting pretty good, and Catie was happy. Today I am working, chasing after Charlie, going to school, trying not to lose my mind on a daily basis with Max and his behavior and problems, and trying to figure out how to make Catie happy and not walking around with a void in her life.

My ex-husband came over today to tell Catie that he is leaving for California on Monday. Not just for a visit, this is permanent. Catie did really well until she realized that he wouldn't be here for her birthday. She totally lost it and cried. I almost cried with her. Not because he is leaving. Trust me, I am thrilled. I almost cried with her because her heart was broken and there wasn't a thing I could do to make it better. Isn't that what we want as a parent? To keep our children from being sad and feeling hurt? I just want to go in her room and climb into bed with her and try to take away some of the pain I know she is feeling. Her father isn't around much as it is but instead of being 30 minutes away, he is 40 hours away. I hope that as time passes she doesn't feel as sad. I almost hope that he just falls off the face of the earth and lets Catie live her life not wondering what she did wrong for her father to not be around or take her for his visitation. Chas has stepped up very nicely to the role of dad for Catie and she now tells people that Chas is her daddy and John is her father. She won't tell John that because she has such a big heart and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. There are days when I struggle with not hating him. There are days when I just want to punch him in the face and I am frustrated. He doesn't see how sad she gets when he doesn't show up or how her big brown eyes seem to lose some of that sparkle when he doesn't come to a school function or recital. I am so over it and I want it to stop hurting Catie. She is too young to have that much pain in her heart.

Max is another story. My little 3 year old monster has been diagnosed as being bipolar and ADHD. He is now in "obedience" school, also known as the RIP program. It is a program for kids like Max who are hardwired differently and who traditional discipline doesn't work. I am hoping with the new medicine he is on (which is a miracle drug, he is an angel) and this program, we can get back on track and have a happy-go lucky kiddo. I think Max is a carbon copy of me and I hope that by getting his problems under control at age 3 we can avoid some of the stuff I went through.

I am loving school but hating work. Granted I have made lots of friends at work and they are awesome but I despise the owners and their greediness. I suppose I am feeling frustrated because it is prom season and I am not making any money at a time when we need the money the most. I am having to pay for part of my tuition and books for the summer and I'm having a really hard time coming up with the money. If I don't go to school this summer then I will not finish school until next Christmas. I want to graduate next spring. If work doesn't pick up then I don't know what I am going to do. In addition to my school woes, our bills seemed to double this last month and trying to come up with that money is really hard. We are having to pay for partial months of our bills from when we moved. They sure don't make it easy on someone to move. All these bills are killing us this month. I am hoping that I will make some good money on Mother's Day. I am hoping to make some good money between now and May 20th. That seems to be the deadline for everything. I am so frustrated with the fact that I have to come up with all this money for school. I am trying to better myself and my family and our situation and I can't get assistance. Granted I dropped out of college 10 years ago but I am trying really hard to make up for that and yet I feel like I am being punished for that mistake 10 years ago. I have shown how dedicated I am to school and have managed to take a massive course load each semester and keep a really high GPA. What more do they want from me?

Well I suppose I am done venting for the evening. It is now 1:00am and I have to be at work by 8:00am and if it doesn't stop raining I will have to take a canoe to work. We are supposed to get between 1-5 inches tonight. That doesn't count the other 5-7 inches we have gotten in the last 2 days. Our backyard is a lake and it will be a long time before it dries up enough for the kids to go out and play. That means I will have 2 little boys trapped inside the house, fighting, and destroying everything. I'm frustrated with that too.