Oh Christmas!

Does anyone else feel like Christmas is a wonderful but stressful time? I used to love Christmas time but this year it doesn't seem as wonderful. There is so much going on and it feels like 100% of Christmas has fallen on my shoulders this year. I'm weary and trying not to be bitter. I'm hoping that once finals are over next week I will begin to feel a bit of excitement.

The mantle is decorated and complete with a fire. This is our first Christmas in this house and the first Christmas as an adult that I have had a mantle. It was so nice to hang the garland and lights and the new stockings we received last year from Grandma Kathy. The gas was turned on yesterday and I enjoyed relaxing for a few moments in front of the beautifully decorated mantle and fireplace.

Yesterday, Chas' good friend came in from Alabama to come visit for the evening. It was a nice visit for Chas and a milestone for me. Anthony and I never seemed to get along and while there was never any bickering or ugly words, we just didn't seem to like each other. About a month ago we did the mature thing and after 3 1/2 years of tension, we worked it out. Who knew he was so funny and such a nice guy. We all had a lovely visit after the guys got back from the movies. It was nice to see Chas laugh and cut up like he did last night. There has been so much ugliness and stress going on that a little laughter for both of us was quite nice.

Lindsey came over last night for an early birthday dinner. She will be in NYC on her birthday this weekend and so the kids and I made her dinner complete with a cake and present. It was nice to sit down to a home cooked meal with the kids and my very good friend. Lindsey gets along so well with my kids and they just adore her. I must admit she is a breath of fresh air in our life.

Well it is time to get back to final projects and other school related work. The semester is almost over!

Time

So I haven't posted since May 2nd. Wow! I have been one busy woman with numerous changes in my life. Max relapsed, I practically killed myself this summer in school (21 hours BUT got all A's and B's), Catie's dad moved to California, Charlie realized the power of his scream, and so much more!

In more recent events, this past weekend was my 10 year high school reunion!! I have stressed about this reunion for almost a year. Did I really want to go? What had I done in those 10 years since high school that mattered? Would there be anyone there I wanted to see after all these years? After grappling back and forth with this issue for almost a year, I decided to go and get some closure on that chapter in my life.

When we moved to Tennessee from Florida, I was scared and had no friends. I spent the first school year in Tennessee at one school where I met my new best friend. My parents then bought a house and I had to change schools. I was mad and scared. I gained a lot of weight that summer from the stress of moving and having no friends and then starting yet another school. Much to my surprise, on the first day of 5th grade at my new school I made a friend. Her name was April. We are still friends to this day. Soon after meeting April, I met Peggy. She was WAY taller than me and everyone called us "Mutt and Jeff". She was friends with these two girls Rachel and Denise. The four of us clicked and we were best of friends all through 8th grade and into the 9th grade. Peggy and I were in band and Rachel and Denise were in color guard. We were still together all the time. Once we got into high school there were two more additions to our group. Sandy and Beth were in color guard and we all clicked immediately. Life was great. We did everything together. Sleepovers, shopping, etc. At some point Peggy got sick and left school. That left the five of us. We had so much fun. We loved the Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and Hanson. We obsessed over their music and each band member. At some point in our senior year things went bad. If my memory serves me correctly, boys got in the way and there was some other trouble. We had a fight and I was out of the group. I went on about my life and made new friends. None were as good as the "group" but I made it work. They all remained friends and as time passed I got jealous of their friendship. I think that fight really affected me and the route that my life took. We became friends on Facebook last year and it was nice seeing how their lives had changed and the direction they took. I was jealous of the fun they still had and all their pictures.

These women were the reason that I went to my reunion. I wanted some closure I suppose. Emily came over and helped me get ready for the reunion and I looked fabulous! I walked into the bar where the meet and greet was held and then I saw Rachel and Denise. I almost cried. They look EXACTLY the same. Then I saw Sandy and soon after Beth came in the door. We had about 5 minutes of awkwardness and then time seemed to slip away. We were young again and laughing and suddenly it seemed to me that time heals all wounds. We took a group picture and looking at the picture later on I laughed at how we immediately went into our old "picture pose". Tallest to shortest, meaning I was in the front. We all looked the same. We talked about our kids, our parents, our careers, and it was wonderful. We met up again at the actual reunion and then went to the Chop House and crashed their bar.




I was so tired this morning from all the activities this weekend but so glad that I went. We are going to a concert in October and I hope that we don't wait 10 more years to get together. I learned this weekend that time does heal all wounds!

Frustrated

I have been trying to sign on to my Blogger page to write a quick note about how frustrated I am and what happened? It wouldn't let me sign on and I became even more frustrated. That is the key word for the day. Frustrated.

I spend each day feeling like I am 10 minutes behind. I am behind on the household chores, I am behind on laundry, I am behind on a friend or family member's birthday, I am behind in my garden, I am behind in my schoolwork. I am always behind. Life wasn't this stressful a year ago. One year ago Charlie had just been born, I wasn't in school, I didn't have a job, Max was acting pretty good, and Catie was happy. Today I am working, chasing after Charlie, going to school, trying not to lose my mind on a daily basis with Max and his behavior and problems, and trying to figure out how to make Catie happy and not walking around with a void in her life.

My ex-husband came over today to tell Catie that he is leaving for California on Monday. Not just for a visit, this is permanent. Catie did really well until she realized that he wouldn't be here for her birthday. She totally lost it and cried. I almost cried with her. Not because he is leaving. Trust me, I am thrilled. I almost cried with her because her heart was broken and there wasn't a thing I could do to make it better. Isn't that what we want as a parent? To keep our children from being sad and feeling hurt? I just want to go in her room and climb into bed with her and try to take away some of the pain I know she is feeling. Her father isn't around much as it is but instead of being 30 minutes away, he is 40 hours away. I hope that as time passes she doesn't feel as sad. I almost hope that he just falls off the face of the earth and lets Catie live her life not wondering what she did wrong for her father to not be around or take her for his visitation. Chas has stepped up very nicely to the role of dad for Catie and she now tells people that Chas is her daddy and John is her father. She won't tell John that because she has such a big heart and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. There are days when I struggle with not hating him. There are days when I just want to punch him in the face and I am frustrated. He doesn't see how sad she gets when he doesn't show up or how her big brown eyes seem to lose some of that sparkle when he doesn't come to a school function or recital. I am so over it and I want it to stop hurting Catie. She is too young to have that much pain in her heart.

Max is another story. My little 3 year old monster has been diagnosed as being bipolar and ADHD. He is now in "obedience" school, also known as the RIP program. It is a program for kids like Max who are hardwired differently and who traditional discipline doesn't work. I am hoping with the new medicine he is on (which is a miracle drug, he is an angel) and this program, we can get back on track and have a happy-go lucky kiddo. I think Max is a carbon copy of me and I hope that by getting his problems under control at age 3 we can avoid some of the stuff I went through.

I am loving school but hating work. Granted I have made lots of friends at work and they are awesome but I despise the owners and their greediness. I suppose I am feeling frustrated because it is prom season and I am not making any money at a time when we need the money the most. I am having to pay for part of my tuition and books for the summer and I'm having a really hard time coming up with the money. If I don't go to school this summer then I will not finish school until next Christmas. I want to graduate next spring. If work doesn't pick up then I don't know what I am going to do. In addition to my school woes, our bills seemed to double this last month and trying to come up with that money is really hard. We are having to pay for partial months of our bills from when we moved. They sure don't make it easy on someone to move. All these bills are killing us this month. I am hoping that I will make some good money on Mother's Day. I am hoping to make some good money between now and May 20th. That seems to be the deadline for everything. I am so frustrated with the fact that I have to come up with all this money for school. I am trying to better myself and my family and our situation and I can't get assistance. Granted I dropped out of college 10 years ago but I am trying really hard to make up for that and yet I feel like I am being punished for that mistake 10 years ago. I have shown how dedicated I am to school and have managed to take a massive course load each semester and keep a really high GPA. What more do they want from me?

Well I suppose I am done venting for the evening. It is now 1:00am and I have to be at work by 8:00am and if it doesn't stop raining I will have to take a canoe to work. We are supposed to get between 1-5 inches tonight. That doesn't count the other 5-7 inches we have gotten in the last 2 days. Our backyard is a lake and it will be a long time before it dries up enough for the kids to go out and play. That means I will have 2 little boys trapped inside the house, fighting, and destroying everything. I'm frustrated with that too.

Oh so long....

It has been quite some time since I have written anything on here. Between school and the children and work, my time has become very scarce. So much has happened since my last post. We had Christmas in Florida, found a new house, renovated that new house, moved out of our tiny apartment, moved into our nice new house, and adjusted to life living in double the space. Max has had no flareups since we moved out of our apartment which made us believe there was mold in there and we have since contacted an attorney. I am in school and working as a server. My grandmother died during spring break and we were fortunate enough to attend a wonderful homecoming. Charlie started walking in January, much to our shock. He was 10 1/2 months old. He is now on the go all the time.

Catie is playing softball and acrobatics and doing very well in school. Max is being a holy terror and I have to keep my anger in check with him all the time. We were raised that you didn't cry unless you were hurt and crying to get your own way was a HUGE no-no. He doesn't sleep through the night and screams from the hours of 2-5am. Needless to say we are all very tired. He is so naughty and yet I love him even more because I feel that he lacking something to think that he needs to scream all the time. At what age is therapy appropriate?

I am working as a server now in a very old and historic house. It used to be part of the Castle Heights Military Academy. It was the commandants home and it is full of awesome pictures and history. They told me it was haunted when I first started and I personally haven't experienced it but that doesn't mean it isn't true. I get a very uneasy feeling when I go upstairs to get linens and such late at night. I try not to go up there. It is a fine dining restaurant complete with linens and water goblets on the table. I serve judges, lawyers, business men, and the occasional politician. It is very exciting at times and with the exception of some of my co-workers, I enjoy the job very much. I have never worked in a place where the standard tip is 20% and higher. I love the bail bondsman that comes in and tips me 50% and up. I love that $50 tip on a $100 check. I have had a hard time juggling school and work and kids and home but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Well I am off to go clean the family room and kitchen. Dad is coming over tomorrow to help put some furniture together and I think Mom is coming over on Sunday to help me unpack or organize something. Did I mention we have a HUGE fenced in backyard?? I am tilling my veggie garden up next weekend if the weather is nice!! Yipee!!